Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Willow Rosenburg's LiveJournal:

Monday, March 21st, 2005
11:30 am	RP back and forth.(I do not play Tara here.) Credit for Tara: I_am_you_know on GJ (Italics = Tara.... I play Willow in this exchange.)(This is for the RP other_worlds) "Oscuran implarin solistine..." I could feel the air around me shift as the energies moved in and out around my body. The purples, blues, and greens of the earths energies shifted, forming loops, floating dots and moving lights. Closing my eyes and resting my elbows on my knees, hands in the air, my index fingers resting against my thumbs. "Please mother Isis, hear my plea, let me see my lost love, as one final decree. I wish to move on, I wish for my life be free, please Isis, hear this one final plea." The energies began to speed up, and shift even more. "Asenon langre carin…Please mother Isis, let me be free." The energies moved about rapidly, so fast that a wild blew my hair back as a light emitted, growing from a tiny spec into a huge globe. Opening my eyes to view what the globe held. 'I'm sorry Tara, I want to be with you, but you're gone, and I know this won't work, but I have to try, I have to try to let you go.' A single tear slid down my right check and the energy of the globe waivered and shook. The wind picked up to a fevered pace and began to throw items around the room, shattering a vase that held some flowers. Then the globe burst in one huge flash of light. I fell sideways, trying to shield myself from the explosion of energy. Feeling very weak I looked up, the room was in complete chaos, things had been throw all around, many items had been smashed and laid in pieces on the ground. A tear slid down my left check, and then another down my right. Soon enough tears covered my face and I looked up towards the ceiling. "Can't you let me have anything?!" I yelled up at the ceiling. "Can't you let me even have this? Just let me rest!" I sobbed and then fell forward, covering my face in my hands and arms. With a start I awoke only to find myself slumped against the cushiony couch and throw pillows. She'd been in my dreams, again, and just out of my reach like always. Even now after a year has passed I can see every feature of her face clearly in my mind's eye. If I think hard enough I can close my arms and feel her arms around. It's a ghost of a feeling, only enough to taunt me but…I can still feel her. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I glanced around the empty room. The sun had managed to set while I'd been asleep and the room was dim. Deciding if I was going to fall asleep I might as well be in bed rather than the couch, I picked up my fallen book and shut it, making sure to mark the page for next time. "You have to let her go," I muttered to myself in frustration as I stood up and paused to push the throw pillows back into some sort of order. Telling myself to move on was one thing, acting on it was another. I replayed the vivid dream over in my head as I mounted the stairs, forcing myself to walk all the way up them. It was tempting to stop and close my eyes, allow myself to get lost in the memories of her and her quirks I love..Loved so much. Falling prey to my wandering mind I managed to hook my foot on the lip of the top step and jerked slightly. I kept my balance but that didn't stop gravity from claiming my book. Lacking the response time currently to catch it I watched it fall with a thump to the floor and exhaled a sigh as I stooped to pick it back up. Picking up the novel I stared down at it's cover, taking another moment to reflect. Once you get on the Trip Down Memory Lane kick it's easier just to go with it. Studying the book's cover, I sat down on the top step and traced my hand on the books soft leather as I finally indulged myself and let my thoughts slip away. After a period of time, I don't know how long, it's hard to tell time when your crying a river, like you've lost everything your heart ever needed. My tears began to slow, and then eventually stop all together. My breast still heaved from the tears that I wanted to cry but my eyes could no longer manufacter. Gasping for breath through the sadness that stained my heart I sat up eventually. Swallowing down some air and clenching my jaw I looked around the room. Using the bed to steady myself I slowly, and shakily stood to my feet. Once standing, I bit my lower lip, and managed to stagger over to the mirror in my room. It by some miracle had not been broken in my earlier attempts of magic. Looking at myself in the mirror, red circles hung around my eyes, as the dried tear lines staind my face. Feeling anger boil up inside of me I stared at myself in the mirror. "That was stupid Willow, what were you thinking!" I yelled at the mirror, at myself, my hands balling into fists. 'You know that's what they'll say if they find out.' Sniffling I flung the door open with a flick of my wrist, with majik and it smashed into the frame, not breaking but making a loud crashing sound. Swallowing down more air, in attempts to control myself I stompped out of my room, and out into the hallway, turning to go to the bathroom, my voice caught in my throat as my mind flashed back to the faint glimpse of the stairs that I had caught before looking in the direction of the bathroom. 'Blonde hair, that, that blonde hair.' I stayed with my back to the stairs for a moment, not being able to talk, my mind barely being able to wrap it self around any sort of logical explainantion, it was grasping for anything, but finding nothing. Softly the word slipped out of my lips, slightly above a whisper, a gasp following right after it. "T-Tara?" Lost in my mental reverie I stared off, my gaze going through the book in my hands. As lost as I was, however, I was knocked sharply back when I heard a shout and the door to my side flew open. That voice…it was unmistakable but there was no way I could have heard it. Not unless I had finally lost it after all. My heart leaped inside my chest and I took in a long, shuddery breath as I turned to face the door. The room was a mess, that much was obvious. It looked like a hurricane had passed through, followed by a tornado and finally an angry bear. The fate of my room, as interesting as it was turning out to be, was soon nothing when my eyes were drawn to movement. It couldn't have been… On unsteady limbs I forced myself to stand and walked slowly to the doorway, freezing when I saw the back of a beautiful red head. I found myself frozen to the floor and having to remind myself to breath. Maybe I'd just fallen asleep again, and was actually slumped against the banister dreaming all this. Taking slow breaths I ran my tongue over dry lips and tried to lift a lead foot to walk into the room, faltering only when I heard her voice. No dream, as real as they seemed, could ever sound like that. Unable to fight I felt the tears well up in my eyes and mouthed soundlessly before I managed to finally get her name out. "W…Willow? How..I" My words cracked as they left my throat and I felt myself screaming silently for her to turn around. "Baby?" I could hear her gentle footsteps, pushing into the carpet; I could picture the image of the soft carpet pressing in under her weight and then the impression holding. The memories of watching those indents fly by me as she had dragged me into out bed room, so many times before, giggling, together, before rushing into our room to make love. Feeling her presence, a thought flashed across my mind for a moment. 'She must be a ghost.' I don't know how, or why, but every fiber of my being screamed different. 'A dream then perhaps? Could I have fallen asleep?' Once again ever sense in my body, every molecule of my being screamed against it. Every part of me screamed, shouted and yelled the reality of this, mind body and soul. 'Maybe I died. That was a big flash of light.' My mind was trying of anything that might even make the slightest amount of sense, but nothing seemed at all right, except she was here, now, alive- Real. A gasp caught in my throat and with my back still turned I heard her voice. That unmistakable stutter, that soft melodic tone, two part concern, two parts understanding, and a flood of caring. I managed to croak out a faint response. "Y-yes?" Somehow even though my eyes felt as dry as a dessert tears began to slip from them once again. I then turned on my heels to face her, my movements were slow, and it felt like my body was being weighed down by lead. Letting my gaze stay aimed downwards, just in case I was wrong, in case I had made a mistake and it wasn't her. Locking my hands together, like they had just become one of the most interesting things in the world, fiddling with one another, an unfortunate nervous habit. Fiery red hair shrouded part of my face as I slowly let me gaze shift upwards, up her body. Recognizing every curve, every feature, and every article of clothing as hers, as her. Tears streamed down my face in two stead lines, emerald eyes shining with hope, sadness and expected disappointment. Continuing to shift my gaze upwards, I got to where I was looking at Tara's ample cleavage, pausing for a moment and then shifting my gaze over to the wall. 'What if she disappears when I look at her face? Wait! Could this be Isis giving me what I asked for?...It's not a spell, it's real Rosenburg, it's her.' With my senses unwavering that it was her, my eyes moved back to lock with her eyes, those wonderful blue pools that I had gotten lost in so many times before. "How?" I whispered, questioning to myself, looking at her in confusion and being completely lost before weakly and with much effort I was able to force out a few chocked words through the tears still running down my checks. "It-It's me Baby." I clasped my hands together while looking into her eyes. Any other situation and I might have felt self concious standing there, but my mind was occupied elsewhere. I felt terrified and overjoyed at the same time, just faced with the possibility that Willow was really standing in front of me. My breath caught in my throat as she turned, her movement agonizingly slow. I was frozen, however, and could only watch with bated breath as her head slowly lifted. Trying repeatedly to speak, despite my failure each time, my mouth opened and closed slowly with nothing more than air escaping. Oh that voice… As shocked as I was I felt my heart crumble at the emotions in Willow's voice, reflecting the tears in her eyes. Even if I wasn't sure yet what was going on, whether it was a dream or hallucination, I couldn't allow myself to stand there. Refusing to fall prey to inertia I slowly took a step, almost surprised to find my foot wasn't as leaden as it felt. In moments I had closed the small gap between this and held my breath as I stood in front of her. It was all too real to not be but… Hesitating, I tried to blink away the steady tears and reached a shaky hand to Willow's cheek, aiming to wipe away her tears. My hand came in contact with her skin and I gasped softly, half expecting her to vanish. The look on Tara's face confused me more, it look as though I wasn't the only one seeing a ghost. Like I seemed as unreal to her as she did to me. Her mouth dropping open, and then shutting once more, again and again, my heart nearly broke every single time her mouth shut. 'Goddess, please say something, please. Anything?' Then she moved towards me, at first I felt like maybe I should back away, maybe she was going to hit me, tell me how stupid I had been, and ask me what in the world I had done, but another thought flashed through my mind, and even though I knew my heart wouldn't be able to take it if she re-acted that way, I knew that part of me wanted her to. After everything I had done, and now she was here, what if I had dragged her out of heaven like I had done to Buffy. She would have perfectly logical reasoning to hate me, and even if I hadn't everything that I had done. I could see the tears in her eyes, and I wasn't sure why they where there. Was she really that angry? Was she sad for some reason? Had I made her sad? Then her hand touched my check, and insantly I closed my eyes, reveling in her touch. I had expected her to vanish, or even her hand to slice right through my body, but it wasn't and that only made me start to cry harder. Leaning my face into the touch of her hand, reaching my own hand up, and placing it over hers. "Oh goddess Tara, I've missed you so much baby." My tear choked voice came out torn and ragged as I spoke. For a moment, I think, my heart stopped. Actually, I think Im lucky it didn't just explode when she we finally touched. Then her hand covered mine and I felt tears I didn't even know had been lurking began to fall. My mind was an absolute mess, a mixture of emotions that I won't try to list. Suffice it to say if its an emotion a part of me was feeling it, if not reeling from it. "I…" I swallowed hard and watched her hand covering mine. She was here and real and it was all so much. Id wanted this for so long, wished for it, but I had never expected it to happen. "It's r-really you.." I whispered in an already ragged voice. Compelled, I pulled my hand away from her cheek and wrapped her up in a hug. "Goddess I missed you baby…" I whispered against her hair as I squeezed her tight, afraid that if I let go she would vanish. "How?" I asked again, though I didn't expect an answer at the moment, I just wanted to live in the feeling of Willow's arms. I interlaced our fingers, how could I not? I’d missed feeling her hands, I missed feeling her period, goddess, I mean, it had been how long?! Too long was all that my tired mind could fathom at this moment, much, much too long. The tears had slowed some, and that old odd sense of calm, that old belonging, like, being home settled into me. My mind was still horribly confused, but the strength that the spell had taken out of me was a more pressing matter right now, I could feel my body begging for sleep, now. Therefore all the good emotions that I couldn’t repress started to seep in, knocking all the bad ones out. Hearing her attempt at words, my eyes flew open. Seeing her crying my lips turned slightly down into a gentle pout and my eyes opened a little wider with worry. ‘Goddess, tears, what is she crying about, did I do something wrong?’ I nodded at her next words, holding her hand against my face. “Yes, it’s really me, a-and it’s really you too.” My voice hastened a little with the last part of the remark. Then she pulled her hand back, and my face instantly twisted into a heart wrenching sadness, then her arms were around me, and everything felt right again. I squeezed my arms tightly around her, feeling the warmth of her body underneath my arms, never wanting to loose that feeling ever, ever again. “I missed you too. Goddess I missed you so much.” The words were a little stronger now, I had stopped crying and I placed myself up so that my chin was barely resting on her shoulder. I moved in a way that I was speaking almost directly into her ear. My jaw was locked and my body felt like all the muscles were tight, but at the same time, I knew this was the most relaxed I had been in months. I eased myself back from her, placing my hands so that they were grasping her shoulders, allowing me to look into her eyes. “I-I don’t know, I was just doing a spell, I mean I wanted to see you, but I never imagined this.” I stayed my eyes locked with hers, letting go of her left shoulder, I let my right hand go up to her check. Resting the fingertips below her earlobe and under her chin so that I could wipe away some of the tears with my thumb. Settling into Willow's embrace I felt my fear and confusion fade into the background. As lost as I felt in the current situation I couldn't overlook that Willow was here, in the flesh, and in my arms. Everything about her, her warmth, her smell, her beautiful features sent my head spinning and I found my thoughts on the situation screeching to a halt. I felt a soft pang when she pulled back out of our tight hug, but sighed with relief when she kept me in her arms. I didn't know how long whatever was going on would last and if I only had a short time with her before she vanished I wanted to spend them in her arms. If something had to be sorted out outside of her embrace I don't think I was an advocate of it. Watching her face I couldn't help but smile softly, and allowed my eyelids to slip shut when I felt her hand on my cheek. Tilting my head into her gentle touch I felt my brow furrow as I listened. A spell? How could she have done a spell? A faint voice in the back of my mind suggested a theory of timelines but I wasn't in the state of mind to expand on the notion. I opened my eyes and felt my mouth twitch, "A spell?" I asked in quiet confusion. "But you couldn't have…" I cut myself off when I felt tears start to well up in my eyes again. Willow was supposed to be…in peace. But this was my Willow, it had to be her. So...a spell? Tara’s smile made my heart melt and I felt like my knees were going to buckle, just like falling for her all over again as her head tilted into my touch. There seemed like there might be something going on in that head of hers, and I wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but I felt like I should do something to reassure her, but what? “I am really here, I’m real, really!” I tried my best to get across to her that I was me, and I was here, since she seemed to keep doubting it. She seemed really confused about me being here, and obviously that didn’t make sense, should I be confused about her being here? Then she seemed to become very upset when I mentioned the spell, like something was really wrong with that. ‘Ut-oh, Rosenburg.’ “I don’t do them much anymore, I’m not really that good anymore, things always go all wonky now. Besides, I-I’m too afraid to use them much now-a-days.” My voice trailed off into silence on the last comment, and silence due to what she was saying, my eyes narrowed slightly and my brow crinkled some in confusion at the words and then she looked like she was going to cry more. Goddess I didn’t want her to cry anymore. “Why couldn’t I have?” I was afraid to the answer of this question, my mind instantly bet it had something to do with the magic addition I had previously suffered, how crazy it had made me. Tara hadn’t wanted me to use magic and I had been getting better, and then what happened, I pushed the thought out of my mind quickly as I could, not wanting to remember her like that. I smiled at the warm feeling that quickly rose in me as I recognized the look in Willow's face. I'd seen that look enough times in my life and remembered how easily I could read Willow like a book. She was feeling the same way, I was sure, and wanted the moment to last forever. I watched the emotions on Willow's face change, running a whole gauntlet of worry as she questioned my response. Trying to sort things out I hesitated when it dawned on me. She must not remember… My hands had been resting on Will's hips but, wanting to take comfort in her, I moved them. One arm slid a little further around her waist to hold her and the other found it's niche on her arm. Taking in a breath I stood stock still, apart from small, gentle movements from the hand that was now resting on her upper arm. "W-willow.." I tried, forcing the words out with some effort. I'd thought that after all the time that had passed I had gotten better at coping with it, and talking about it. But I'd never had to talk to Willow about this either. Unable to keep my mind from showing me a flashback I sniffed and blinked away the forming tears. "Y-y-you…you're g-gone Baby," I tried, flinching slightly at the way I had to force the sentence out like I had a mouthful of peanut butter working against me. "Yo-you…" Frowning at my failure I looked at Willow imploringly, unsure how to go about this. "Died.." I finally managed to finish off in a low whisper as I dropped my vision, which was blurring up with tears again. It looked as though she had a revelation, not one that was pleasant though, least, from the way her face contorted, that was the way it seemed. The way she slid her arm around my waist and planted one on my shoulder, I knew something was up, this embrace, especially with the feelings that were going between the two of us met something was up. ‘Is Tara going to tell me something that bad? Oh goddess! What could it be? I bet I did something wrong again, I bet she’s just acting this way, I bet she’s really angry at me, and she’s just trying to be nice, I bet she’s going to tell me something really horrible. Oh goddess, what if she has to go? Can I take her going? I don’t think I can take it again, I can’t take loosing her. Can I make her stay? Maybe I can make her stay, how? What can I offer her?’ The worry evident in my face faded mildly as I heard her begin to speak; listening intently I waited, wanting to hear everything she had to say. She was having a hard time talking, and I knew whatever it was that she had to tell me, it was bad. Tara didn’t get this emotional unless it was something bad, she was always really good at controlling herself, keeping her cool, at least a lot better then I had ever been. Then the tears came back to her eyes again and I felt like m heart was breaking. ‘Oh goddess it’s bad, it’s really really bad.’ Reaching my thumb out I gently dabbed at the tears in the corner of her eye, with the hand that still rested on her face. “I’m not gone, I’m right here.” I partly blurted out as I stood there, watching her concerned, confused; this conversation seemed to be taking a strange turn and I wasn’t sure what was going on at all now. She flinched and I wasn’t sure why. ‘Is she in pain, is someone hurting her?’ I felt a small amount of anger building up inside of me at the thought of someone hurting her, and then she tried to tell me more. Frowning in her failure, I felt sad seeing her frown, yet the pouty-ness of Tara always had struck me as slightly cute. Everything she did was cuteful, I couldn’t help it, and it was just the way she was. Then her next word hit me, like a punch in the gut. I felt my body grow faint, and I could imagine I looked rather pale. My mind flashed with memories, and my jaw locked into place for a moment. She dropped her view, letting my fingers drop down and touch her chin gently, lifting her head up so that I could look into her eyes. My own eyes had large red circles around them from crying so much, I didn’t want to tell her this, but it seemed like she had gotten things mixed up. Another scene flashed through my mind as I remembered holding her body on the floor of our room. Crying and calling out Osiris, commanding him to bring her back, demanding that he do so. I shook my head slightly dropping my view for a moment before looking back into her eyes again, a tear trickling down my own check. “No baby, you did. You- you died.” A slight sob escaped my throat and I swallowed trying to stop myself from crying uncontrollably. Feeling the soft touch of Willow's fingers I allowed my head to raise. I could see plainly the signs of my girl's waves of tears, which looked like they might be reasserting themselves any moment. Running over her sleeve I watched my hand stroke her arm, looking back up only when I heard the words and her sob. 'She thinks that I died?' I wondered to myself, taken aback at Willow's reaction. I had assumed the other girl had forgotten but it hadn't occurred to me that Willow could remember it so wrong. Knowing I couldn't leave Willow with her mistaken version of events I held her around the waist firmly, drawing my strength from my Love. Biting down on my lip to keep it from trembling and showing my distress like it wanted to, I plowed ahead. "No," I started to say as I lifted my hand from her arm to rest against her check, repeating my earlier action. "Baby.." Noticing a tear creep down her cheek I moved my thumb, intercepting it's path to smooth it away from her delicate tear marked skin. "You..We were shot. Warren he…And Buffy..B-but I survived." Dealing with the memories of those days playing back through my head I tried to order my thoughts to come out in some sort of coherent order, hoping I wasn't failing spectacularly. I watched my thumb move softly across her cheek tracing an invisible line. Stepping forward I moved us back into a hug, unable to keep a small, sad smile from my face as I wrapped my arms back around her. "It's just been so long," I explained quietly as I rested my chin on her shoulder. "I've missed you so much." Tara almost looked like she thought I was lying or this was some weird cruel joke. I watched her intently trying once again to let my mind cling to some possible logical reasoning. At her ‘no’, I started shaking my head lightly from side to side, my brow knit in confusion. I reached up placing a hand once again over Tara’s, my face continued to be a mess of confusion as she kept ‘explaining’. ‘Buffy? No, that’s not what happened.’ “That’s not what happened at all.” My voice was solid in its own resolve of the ‘truth’. “Yes Buffy was shot, but so were you, and your blood, was, on my shirt. You died.” My voice started to loose its former authority glory as I continued speaking. “Then, then I went after…” I cut myself off, trying to make up my mind if I wanted to tell Tara the horrible undeniable truth of what I had done to Warren, to everyone. Then her arms were around me. Just feeling them there, it made the world slip away again. Nothing seemed to matter once more, even though I had no idea where Tara was getting all these strange ideals from. Letting my arms slide up around her neck I pulled her close to me once again, swallowing hard at the mention of how long I had been without her. “Its been too long.” I agreed with her, nodding the best I could with her body pressed against mine once more. I pulled her as close as we could physically get, and even though there was no way to get any closer, I still felt like we where too far apart. I wanted to be closer still though, even knowing that it wasn’t possible, save one aspect. “I’ve missed you too baby, oh goddess, I’ve missed you so bad.” (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:58 am	posted in Buffysgift When I saw her eyes fill with tears it was like my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Without thinking about it I leaned up over the table and put a hand on her shoulder, letting the hand slid down until it was holding her upper arm. my face twisted in pain and concern as I watched her. My mind was racing and it wasn't even editing, it was too wrapped up in emotion to edit the next words that came out of my mouth. "Tara, I love you, I've never felt like you were inadequate. I always thought that you were beautiful and wonderful." I paused and removed my hand, setting myself back into my seat, looking away from her, finally realizing what I might have done, and feeling horrible about it. "I praticed all the time, day and night, even when I should have been paying attention in class. And I wasn't good at everything I did, I just only did things in front of the group that I knew I was good at. I don't like failing and failing infront of everyone is even worse." I wasn't really sure what else to say to her, then she picked up the conversation again. At the mention of Buffy, a felt a slight shiver run down my spine and my features sunk again. Part of what had caused the depression ealier was the memories of Buffy and here she had been mentioned once agian. I let my eyes stay on the floor, between my slip up and the mention of Buffy, my emotions were zooming all around the place and I didn't know what to do with myself. (Comment on this)
9:57 am	posted in buffysgift 'She always believed in me?' In part I was shocked at this, but in another part, I just felt like an idiot, like I should have known that from the start. I swallowed and decided that maybe this would be a good time to tell her. "Tara." I paused for a moment longer trying my best to collect my thoughts. "I am sorry for all the problems I caused you, but I did it for you. I know this sounds weird, but just hear me out, okay?" My eyes begged her as did my voice on this. "Our relationship started because of magic. You asked me to do some spells with you. I was more then happy too, I was overwhelmed with joy. Then we kept seeing each other more and more often, because of, spells. When we were doing that I was studying magic like crazy, I didn’t want to let you down, I didn’t want to be less then you. I wanted to be able to do the stuff that you could do, I wanted to be your equal.” I swallowed hard remembering back then, how I felt so giddy whenever I went to her door, the time it took me standing in front of that door to work up the courage to knock. The feelings I felt when I saw her face after she opened the door. I took a deep breath before starting back in. “I’m not saying that it was your fault, ‘cause that is so totally not the case. I take full responsibility for my own screw ups and actions.” I had waved my hands in the air for a moment trying to emphasize how much I did not blame her for it. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about the things I’ve done, and I think I kinda get it now. Why I did what I did I mean. I do realize that I was addicted. I also realize that I think, well, I thought.” My brow furrowed for a moment trying to figure out what to say. “I think that I thought back then,” I worked through the words slowly, trying to make sure they made as much sense to others as they did to me. “That if I didn’t become more powerful, that if I couldn’t do those sorts of things, you would think less of me, that you would look down on me and not want to be with me. Then you started telling me not to do those things, and I got confused because in my mind it was the only thing that made sense to me why you would want to be with me. After Oz, I was trying to make sure that, that wouldn’t happen again. I wanted to make sure I could give you something, since love hadn’t seemed to be enough with Oz to make him stay. And I thought that if I gave you magic and love, then maybe that would be enough to keep our relationship together.” I furrowed my brow for a moment trying to think if there was anything else that I wanted to say, I felt like there was more but I wasn’t even sure if what I had just said made any sense at all, so it was hard to try to figure out what to say next. “Does that make any sense at all?” I looked at her confused by my own words and thoughts while wondering if she had understood anything of what I had just said. Hearing her ask about Faith I had to double think for a moment, since she had been talking about my lost faith, and now was talking about the person Faith I almost got the two confused for a brief second. “Oh, she’s good. I think. I don’t really see a lot of her. Her with the slaying and me with the classes and the teaching. Our schedules don’t really mix well together, when she’s awake I’m asleep and when I’m awake she’s normally with the sleepies.” I said most of it thoughtfully enough, hearing her explanation about Dawn and not finding it surprising. I let my hands stay wrapped around the cup that housed my mocha. My eyes shifted downwards again and I felt a little tired. This talked was much with the heavy seriousness and was taking a lot out of me. (Comment on this)
9:57 am	posted in buffysgift I was trying to keep all my pieces together, and conidering how I felt, I knew I was doing pretty well. I couldn't help but continue to wish that I could be stronger and do a better job at it. 'I wonder what Tara thinks of me? Seeing me like this?' Her hand then touched mine and I nearly jumped, not thinking that she would be touching me, not like that at least."Things don't have to be perfect..." "I'm not asking for them to be perfect Tara." The response was low and muddeled. "I just wish things could be okay, I'd be happy with okay, just okay." She talked about Faith like it was so easy to come by, like I could just find it if I looked around the corner of some building. I couldn't feel it in my heart though, it was such a foriegn topic. Almost alien even, 'Faith, what is this faith?' There was one of those smiles, I had seen them plenty of times when we had been alone, it was one of the things that I missed about her. One of those things that just stuck in your memory and wouldn't go away. Then she told me she believed in me, a slight smile tugged ever so faintly at the corners of my mouth, and then she complemented me. I thought I had just imagined it at first, but she blushed and pulled her hand back. I felt a piece of my heart breaking at her pulling her hand back, and I wanted to reach after it, grab it, but I felt like maybe that would be a little too much. I didn't want to push her, if I was going to get her back, she was going to have to be the one that had to decide to come back to me. I looked up at her, a small smile on my face, it didn't appear to be muchc, but it was a very real, very geniune smile. One of the first ones I had really felt down to my heart in a long time. "Thank you. That really means a lot to me, that you believe in me that is." I smiled at her. I wanted to see more, but I wasn't sure what. (Comment on this)
9:56 am	posted in buffysgift I looked up and let a sadly brave smile cross over my lips, catching her eyes and holding onto them for a few moments. Goddess how I missed those eyes, goddess how I missed her, being with her, even if this was 'just coffee'. "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault." At least I felt that was true now. In a weird way I had blamed her at first, it was an insignificant part of me that I knew was being foolish and childish, but somehow, I had blamed her at one point. I felt bad about it, even though I knew from the handful of psychology classes that I had taken, it was a normal part of recovery in many different aspects. I wrapped my hands around the coffee cup, wanting to feel the warmth it was generating since I felt like I was freezing, even though I knew it was much too warm out for me to be this cold. 'It must be because I'm all emotional.' She mentioned the majiks and I felt like I was about to gag and then hurl the little amount of food that I had been able to keep down today. "Oh, um, that." My voice became very quiet as memories flooded my mind. It had been the reason for our break-up, the reason I nearly took the world to hell, it felt on some days like it was still trying to eat me alive inside, and I knew that I would never be able to get away from it, no mater how hard I tried. I looked up at her a pained look on my face and in my eyes. "Yea, it's under control, but, I." I sighed looking for the words: "You were right when you said I scared you. I scare me now. It's under control, the best I can keep it there, but," I paused again, it was always hard to talk about this, but it felt even harder talking to her about it, "I can't even do a simple glamour without being afraid of what I might do. I mean, I tried a couple really small spells, jut because, I know the cold turkey thing isn't good. It wasn't good for me. So I tried, and, it just, it didn't work at all. I've lost all trust and belief in my own abilities." I knit my brows some and kept looking at my mocha, hands wrapped around, almost clinging to it, like it was one of the last things I had left to hold on to. It could easily be seen that I wasn't really looking at the mocha at all, it seemed like I was almost looking through it. Like I was trying to find some impossible answer to some never ending question. (Comment on this)
9:56 am	posted in buffysgift I raised my eyebrows at the cookie comment. I did pick up on her tone, which lifted my heart a little more and my expression. 'Careful, can't get too excited too quickly.' I told myself, logically I knew that this was the right thing to do, but my heart wasn't listening to anything it seemed besides its own wanting Tara. "I'll be good if it's for a cookie, promise!" Swinging my arm upwards I made a 'x' over my heart in the air quickly with my index finger, a child-like smile crossing my face, bringing out my dimples in full force. Soon enough we where at the Espresso pump, ever since everything had happened, I tried to avoid this place. Even with my love for their double white chocolate mocha with whipped cream. There were just way too many memories here, Tara, Buffy, Oz, everyone really. My mind wondered for a few moments, picking out every single place that something big had happened in my past. The spot Oz and I had coffee before getting together, The spot where Tara and I first had coffee together, the spot we had broken up in, the spot where Buffy and I had had the long talk about my sexuality, and what it meant, and how it related to my relationship with Oz and all sorts of things. Tara's soft voice hit my ears again and my line of vision snapped back to her. "Oh, um. Really?" My face contorted my voice near a slight squeak, I didn't really want to tell her how I was, but her face showed that she wasn't going to back down from the topic. I let out a sigh and let bit my lower lip for a moment before starting in. "Depressed, confused, lost, and.." I paused debating if I should throw in the last piece or not, after a moment I decided to go ahead and throw it in, to see how Tara would react, it couldn't be any worse then what I had been preparing myself for all this time: "And lonely." I let out a sigh that I had been holding onto. “Just a lot of stuff is going on, and I feel like it’s all out of my reach. It’s been 18 months, since, well, you know, everything.” I let my view drop down to the floor, letting my fingers pick at a napkin that I had been nervously playing with. At the mention of the past year and a half, I could feel my heart breaking again, and I knew she would see it, but I was trying to cover it up, the best attempt I could, as sad a attempt as it may have been. (Comment on this)
9:55 am	posted in buffysgift I felt a hand on my shoulder and I knew it couldn't be anyone but her, but somehow I prayed internally that it wasn't her, that it was one of my colleagues, one my students, one of my teachers, Dawn, Xander, anyone but her. But I knew in my mind, how it could be anyone but her. I could feel her eyes on my, but I didn't feel like I could meet them, not if my life depended on it. She started going on about how I shouldn't go if I didn't want to and my mind buzzed with everything I wanted to do, but knew that I couldn't. She didn't want me to feel like I had to run away, well, how did she think I was going to feel? After loosing her, after not seeing her for so long, I'm sure her and Dawn had talked, and I was sure that in some way Dawn had mentioned me, and my lack of relationships. It was just the way Dawn was, obviously she had mentioned that. 'Coffee?' My mind couldn't help but question and I barely lifted my gaze, partly meeting her eyes. A slightly questioning look on my face. I felt a slight amount of hope rise, and my heart lift it self out of my feet, barely, but it was something and right now that was better then nothing at all. She tacked on quickly that it was just coffee, and that hurt slightly, but it wasn't enough to distinguish that ever so slight flame of hope that had arisen. "Can it be a double mocha with extra whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles on top?" I gave her a slight smile; it felt like it was part light hearted, part happy and a whole load of sadness and remorse. (Comment on this)
9:54 am	posted in buffysgift "Duh" I couldn't help but flinch internally at the word. It seemed to make my all ready heavy heart drop lower then it had previously been, which at first I thought would be impossible-- guess I was wrong. She mentioned Dawn's name and I still remained looking confused as ever. She noted my confusion and continued. When she rolled her eyes I could feel a slight smile jerk at the corners of my mouth. 'Goddess, she's so beautiful. Wait, I can't do this, not now, I can't do this to myself. Remember Rosenburg, she doesn't want you.' The slight smile dropped from the corners of my mouth instantly after the thought. Her words again came. "Classes?" I questioned myself more then her, or was it questioning her more, I wasn't sure. I nodded solemnly then, my eyes hitting the ground one more and followed up quickly: "Yea, classes of course, but, what happened to your other college?" Once again I caught it, she was stuttering, something was wrong. Not that stuttering was uncommon for Tara, but it was uncommon for her to stutter around me. My heart sunk again. 'She's stuttering around me, goddess, I am a horrible person...' My gaze stayed locked on the floor then she spoke again. "No, I, I’m teaching.” I looked up at her and then my mind finally kicked in: “Not that I’m not studying because I do that too, I mean, I am doing that, the studying thing, and the teaching thing I mean. I’m teaching a couple computer courses and I’m working on my masters also.” I knit my brow knowing I was probably making myself sound like an idiot. ‘Same old loser Willow, why do you even think she’d ever want to be with you?’ I sighed softly and the dropped my gaze to the floor again, my hands fiddling with one another, like they were the most interesting things in the world. I couldn’t take this any longer, her standing there, and me, just feeling like groveling before her, throwing myself in her arms, and crying until she took me back. She was right things were never that easy. “I, um, I gotta go.” I jutted my thumb over my shoulder pointing in the direction that I had just been walking from. I never let my gaze meet hers while saying that, and then as quickly as I could I turned started walking away from her, I couldn’t handle that, I wasn’t strong enough and I knew it. (Comment on this)
9:54 am	posted in buffysgift I was too lost in my own world, eyes glued to the tiles in front of my feet, my hearing being caught up in the song that I had placed on repeat. ("30 minutes by T.a.T.u.") Yes, it was depressing me out of my mind, but I felt like I deserved that right now, that I needed to feel like my heart was breaking all over again. Then I felt something brush against me, it automatically made me jump slightly and look up to see a blonde woman standing there. She was slightly taller then me and her smooth features, high cheek bones and stunning sharp sapphire blue eyes pierced into me. She spoke, I couldn't hear her words due to the music blasting in my ears, but I watched as her mouth moved. "Tara." The one single word caught in my throat, it creaked out low, nearly a whisper as I reached up and snatched the headphones out of my ears with nearly lightening speed. The quickness even surprised me considering I felt like I was being weighed down by a thousand pounds of lead. Her words graced my ears once more and I couldn't help but look at her dumbfounded for a moment longer before the realization of what she was speaking of kicked in. "Oh, um, yea, I, um..." I searched for the words to make some sort of logical meaning come out of my mouth instead of quarter made sentences that had no relevance to anything: "I changed it a while ago now." I was finally able to spit out one things that had clouded my mind and then it seemed to be replaced by a million more, and obviously at least one of them had to slip out of my mouth. "What are you doing here?" My heart leaped, hoping to receive an answer that I knew I would never hear. (Comment on this)
9:53 am	posted in buffysgift ‘18 months to the day. It’s been so long. Buffy dying. Tara leaving. My rampage. Faith. Angel. Dawn. Xander and Anya. It’s like they’re not even separate anymore, I think if I just pushed both of their names together it would be just as affective XanderAnya. How can so much happen in such a, well, short period of time. Buffy, my best friend in the world, she’s been gone so long now. Tara, my one true love, I can’t believe she left. It’s my fault though, if I could have stopped myself, if I could have had some sort of control, it is my fault. She probably hates me now. I don’t blame her if she does. If I were her, I would hate me too. I wonder what Buffy would think of me now. Would she hate me? Would we still be friends? And Dawn, poor Dawnie, I know I’m hard on her, but after loosing so much, and I feel like I owe her so much too. After seeing my go through that, and just. I don’t know anymore. I’m pretty sure the remaining parts of the gang have forgiven me, but, still, sometimes it feels like they look at me, like, like I could be a threat at any time still. Like I could just slip and go all evil again. But, I could though, couldn’t I?’ I sat at the desk in my empty classroom. Doodling random shapes, writing random names, and my eyes searching over the entire sheet of paper, but not taking in a single thing I had written or drawn. Randomly I would drop one color of pen and pick up another one. It was a habit so deeply ingrained that I no longer realized that I did it anymore. When my mind finally stopped wondering away I looked down at the page, finally realizing, finally able to see what I had written and drawn. There were several heart shaped items, with Tara’s name in them. Several ‘Tara+Willow=love’ items, and other things of a similar nature. ‘Xander and Will=best friends forever’, ‘Buffy, best friend, wonderful woman, you are missed’, and other random notes of caring, concern and love. I sighed as my brow furrowed heavily as my heart felt like it was dropping in my chest. ’18 months, and I’m still a dorky single loser.’ I sighed again, thinking of all the failed dates, horrible nights at clubs and just general badness of things in the past attempts at dating. They had all ended up the girl being bored, frustrated, or completely lost at my references and jokes. Most girls just weren’t what I was looking for, or I wasn’t what they were looking for. Then even with the couple girls that I had felt like there might be something with, something I might be willing to pursue, I thought of Tara, and walked out on the girl feeling like I was cheating, even though Tara and I weren’t together. Then I’d cry myself to sleep those nights with grief and frustration. I had thought about using a spell on myself on several different nights, let me forget Tara, to let me move on. Then I had always decided against it, knowing that I couldn’t take loosing those memories, knowing that a spell wasn’t the answer. I shut my eyes for a moment, leaning back in the chair I was sitting in, stretching my arms over my head. After stretching I dropped the pen I had held in my hand while stretching onto the desk, it landed with a light ‘thunk’, as I stood and picked up my bag. I placed the bag onto the desk top and started to push random notebooks, pens and syllabi into the shoulder strapped bag. I had managed to accomplish the task of getting my bachelors degree through taking several courses over the summer and taking a couple ‘Over-load’ semesters. Each quarter I had taken at least 10 credits. Equaling a 20 credit semester, I in part hadn’t minded because I love school, and it let my mind get away from everything that had happened in the past year and a half. But it had been hard, with school, work, and trying to be there for Dawnie. Now at least I worked at the college, while I was trying to accomplish getting a masters degree, they had allowed me to take over a couple basic computer courses. The job paid all right, and took care of most of my bills if not all of them, and what I couldn’t get from there, I could ask mom and dad for. Though most of the time they freely had thrown cash at me in random care-packages, and I still had money stashed away from my college fund that my parents had been establishing for years before college and had continued to funnel money into while I was in college. Glancing around the empty room, I slipped the strap of my book bag over my head, laying it down on one shoulder, letting the bag hang down to my other side. I sighed again and walked around the room, letting my fingertips drag across monitors, drives, desks, anything really. It was a small room, with about 30 computers in it. The class was small and I didn’t really mind. My thoughts lingered on various topics a few moments longer. Then bringing my fingertips up, I examined them, my mind not really there until seeing the dust along the tops of my fingers. My brows knit and I brushed my hands together, letting the dust fall free into the air. Moving towards the door, and placing one hand on the light switch, I took another look over my shoulder into the empty room before pulling the door open, flipping the light off and exiting, making sure that the door was locked behind me. Looking from left to right, examining who was in the hall for a brief second, I let my eyes shift down to the ground, my heart still hung low in my chest as I pulled out my noise canceling ear bud headphones, slipping the small pieces into my ears and flipping the play switch on my mp3 player. I looked up, my eyes drowned in sadness still as “30 minutes” By T.aT.u played over the headphones. ”Out of sight, Out of mind, Out of time, To decide…” My heart sunk lower, as I heard the first few lines of the song. ‘If only that were true.’ “Do we run? Should I hide? For the rest Of my life Can we fly? Do I stay? We could lose We could fail In the moment It takes To make plans Or mistakes” ’18 months later, and I still feel so broken.’ I started to move down the hallway, quickly, not really wanting to run into anyone. I wasn’t much in the mood for talking today. The song continued to ring through my head, making me feel only more and more broken. ‘But isn’t that how I want to feel right now?’ I sighed once again, continuing down the hallway. “ 30 minutes, a blink of an eye 30 minutes,to alter our lives 30 minutes,to make up my mind 30 minutes,to finally decide 30 minutes,to whisper your name 30 minutes,to shoulder the blame 30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies 30 minutes,to finally decide” {(Open to anyone in the college.)} (Comment on this)